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Former child star Jennette McCurdy is known to iCarly fans as the sardonic Sam Puckett. But behind the scenes, she was grappling with fame, an abusive mother, and an eating disorder. In this excerpt from her memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died, McCurdy describes what was really going through her mind during her first kiss on the set of iCarly.

“That’s when it was like, oh, I’ve got to actually lose weight? I have to diet? Shoot.”